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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly
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West Ham Relegated

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 97 - 31 May 2005
Bobby Zamora, Noble

Reach the sky

West Ham fan

Fade and die

Alan Pardew

Hidden fortunes

Pardew quits as unhappy hammers face chop

No sooner were their jubilant supporters making the long trip back to the east end of London, but in an unprecedented move, the FA have decided to relegate West Ham from the Premiership just hours after they had been promoted via the Championship Play Offs. And The Onion Bag can exclusively reveal that West Ham boss Alan Pardew has resigned as a consequence of the ruling.

Hacks off

FA Spokesman Ernesto Cockgroupier made the announcement to an astounded press conference of second string football journalists, gratefull for a chance to shine while all the senior pro's were taking an extended break in Istanbul to sample the local culture.

"The FA in association with the Premier League and its many exulted sponsors have taken the decision to relegate West Ham United Football Club from the League with immediate affect. We have made this ruling on the basis that it was a foregone conclusion anyway so why waste everyones time?"

Blowing bubbles

Club supporters groups quickly threw up last nights celebration curry to swing into action and are currently camped outside F.A.H.Q in Soho Square with the rest of the hookers and drunks protesting against their plight. Meanwhile club officials at Upton Park are frantically lobbying FA officials. "We are hoping to reach a compromise" one of them told The Onion Bag. "Maybe we can play the fixtures next season and award 3-0 wins to the opposition whatever the outcome. There is also the small matter of the parachute payments."

Blowing brains out

Meanwhile, West Ham Legend His Holiness Pope Trevor I remains philosophical about the decision. "We haven't really done ourselves any favours. I mean even I'm getting fed up of our supporters starting every sentence with 'No one has a divine right to be in the Premiership but...' "

When asked to comment on Pardews resignation he said. "Usually we prefer our managers to go once we've made him a scapegoat. You know, get him to sell all our best players for sod all money first. But thats OK we'll find some other poor schmuck to do it."

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Also in Issue 97