The Onion Bag: Occasionally humorous football satire
"Football satire at its finest" msn.com
"Cruel, heartless b*st*rds" Fox Sports
"Will have you laughing like a drain" itv.com
Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly
GET THE WEEKLY EMAIL

German Neck Trick

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 96 - 23 May 2005

Jens: Hero

Bert: Idol

Neck: Pop

Lehmann: I broke my neck for the cup

Cup final hero Jens Lehmann revealed the shock secret behind his amazing performance in Arsenal’s spot-kick Cup Final victory over arch-rivals Manchester United. The German shot–stopper amazed fans and medical experts by revealing that he had his neck broken before the game.

For you the war is over

In 1956, German former PoW, Bert Trautman played with a broken neck and emerged on the winning team for Manchester City. "Trautman was my hero, when I was a kid" revealed Lehmann from his bed at Stoke Mandeville Hospital "now I’ve been able to emulate him."

Spinal Tap

Lehmann called spinal surgeon Dr Julius Limbani, to the dressing room just minutes before kick off. "I was shocked at the request but I could see the determination in his eyes, I had to give in to his request" revealed Limbani. "The procedure was quite simple – a large block of wood and a swift kick from Patrick Vieira and it was complete."

Not for $ale?

Arsenal overcame a nervous pre-match build up which saw kick-off delayed by four hours due to the immensely successful supporters' protest by Manchester United fans still smarting after their incredibly rich publicly-listed club was seen as worthwhile investment opportunity by American tycoon, Paul Malcolm Glazer.

Kindness to animals

Manchester United spurned numerous chances and even enjoyed a numerical advantage after Jose Antonio Reyes was sent off in the 122nd minute.

Despite Lehmann’s heroics, The FA in their wisdom decided to award the Man of the Match to potty-mouthed prodigy Wayne Rooney. This is believed to be more for his work with the elderly than his woeful finishing.

Copyright © 2003 - 2020 The Onion Bag

Also in Issue 96