The Onion Bag: Occasionally humorous football satire
"Football satire at its finest" msn.com
"Cruel, heartless b*st*rds" Fox Sports
"Will have you laughing like a drain" itv.com
Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly
GET THE WEEKLY EMAIL

Madrid's G-roo-some plot

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 66 - 4 Oct 2004
Wayne Rooney

Seamless...

Michael Owen

...transformation

Eddie Izzard

Azerbaijan

Real plot to swap Owen with Roo

The Onion Bag can exclusively reveal an audacious plan to use the England squads get together prior to the World Cup Qualifiers against Wales and Azerbaijan to swipe Man United's hot headed striker Wayne Rooney(deceased) and replace him with their own £10 million want away striker Michael Owen.

That much is true

Our intrepid reporter Larry Gak uncovered the fiendish plot while working as a waitress in a cocktail bar frequented by none other than Real Madrid's president Florentino Perez.

"I was in the middle of performing my duties" said Gak, "when Perez walked in with Real coach and took a seat at a table near my position. Fortunately I was in a perfect position to overhear their conversation as I was on my knees at the time."

Luther

"Perez started going on about how Owen was a terrible player and that he thought he was signing Wayne Rooney. You know, just like that time when AC Milan signed Luther Blissett instead of John Barnes. Then he revealed his plan to swap the two players by switching Rooney's return coach ticket to Manchester with Owen's business class boarding pass to Madrid." Gak Continued. "I was so amazed I almost cried out in shock only my mouth was full."

The crazy plot was immediately passed the English FA who have tightened up security while the England squad are together. "We are regularly checking the pockets of both Michael and Wayne over the next week." FA Chief Exec Geoff Thompson told The Onion Bag. "We'll also be keeping a close eye on David Beckham, Owen Hargreaves and any other footballer who wants to move back to England."

Rooney & I

Rooney was resting in his coffin as we went to press and was unavailable for comment. However, we did catch up with Owen outside the Madrid branch of Virgin Megastore clutching a "Best of Brookside" DVD and the entire "Beatles Anthology" CD box set collection.

"I know nothing of any plan to swap me and Wayne Rooney." He said. "Besides, they would have spotted the difference after five minutes. Now if you'll excuse me I have the broad side of a barn to find."

Copyright © 2003 - 2020 The Onion Bag

Also in Issue 66