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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly
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PARLOUR IN LESS MONEY THAN SENSE SHOCK

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 54 - 12 Jul 2004
Ray Parlour

Parlour: Obviously disappointed

Karen Parlour

Karen's kiss 'n' tell

More sense than money

Cheap graphic

Friends of Arsenal star admit his future looks bleak without brains or cash

The football world was rocked last night by the sensational revelation that former England international Ray Parlour now officially has less money than sense, thanks to a piggy bank emptying divorce settlement.

Parlour was cleaned out last week as ex-wife Karen was awarded two FREE houses worth over a million quid, a £250,000 lump sum, and a wallet-whacking £440,000 a year maintenance.

Parlous Parlour

On top of that, Parlour was then told by Arsenal that he would not be offered a new contract, leaving him with little option other than follow legal advice and declare himself as "officially having less money than sense". Under PFA rules, Parlour is now entitled to appear on game shows, perform punditry, and consider a career in management in an effort to boost his income above the £20,000-a-week minimum the PFA insists all its players must earn.

Page 3 Stunna

Chairman of the PFA Management Committee Dean Holdsworth said, "This is something all professional footballers need to be aware of. None of us are particularly blessed in the old brains department so it's important we've got a few bob in the bank to help us buy our enormous homes and flash motors once the game's given us up. These dumb slappers we marry too early really are out to fleece us," finished the twice-divorced ex-striker who once shagged a Page 3 bird.

Dodgy Adding Up

PFA scientician Professor Heinz Wolfenstein told The Onion Bag that, compared to other footballers, Parlour's current cash-to-brains ratio was spiralling in the wrong direction. "Jah, it is true. You see, zee average footballer, he is having cash-to-brains of 100:1. But viz Ray, because of zee grabbenbitchen frau, he is currently on cash-to-brains of 5:95. Und, it is important to remember here zat a brains score of 95 for Ray is zee mental age of eine kinder 3 jahre old. So, venn you compare zis ratio wiz, say, David Beckham, Ray he is kaput, jah?"

We called Ray while he was doing his ironing but he burnt his ear trying to answer.

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Also in Issue 54