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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly
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UEFA CALLS IN ADDING UP EXPERTS

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 51 - 21 Jun 2004
Carol Vordaman

Carol: Bit of a mouthfull

Professor Frink

Frink: Forgot to carry the one

Stephen Hawking

Hawking: Couldn't escape

UEFA brainiacs struggle with maths as Euro 2004 groups descend into crazy calculations

Croatia's shock draw against France coupled with the the Dutch defeat at the hands of the Czech Republic has left UEFA bosses in a state of mathmatical madness as they struggle to get their heads around just who will make it through to the quarter-finals. With a desperate and hungry media unable to figure it out for themselves, UEFA has been forced to fly the best brains in the world to Portugal and hope they can make some sense of it all. The assembled noggins include Professors Stephen Hawking and John Frink, as well as TV's Carol Vorderman.

King Chariot

Installed at UEFA's secret Euro 2004 base deep underground Lisbon, the team of mathmaticians have been working through the weekend to make sense of it all. Our reporter Larry Gak, who has a CSE in Maths, took advantage of his invite to report that wheelchair brain-box Stephen Hawking admitted he was flummoxed by the situation. "Iwasbroughthereagainstmywill," his speaker box hummed. "Pleasecallmywife.Please. Illgiveyoumoney"

Not a Real Person

Elsewhere, Professor John Frink believed he'd found the solution: "Umgh-hey! Well, it's really quite simple. Let's consult my machine. After evaluating millions of pieces of data in the blink of an eye, the Euro-Tron 2004 says the winner is... Bulgaria by 200 points!? Why, you worthless hunk of junk! Bhay-gn-flay-vn!"

"Countdown" to Disaster?

Telly "totty" and adding up expert Carol Vorderman admitted the solution to the dilemma was complicated but not impossible. "If you worked it all out off-camera with time on your side, it's a piece of piss. The oldies at home have no idea I do it that way. They think I'm great." "Got any coke? I'll make it worth your while." she didn't add.

Pathetic Creature

With the matches imminent, and England's future among many still to be decided, there is concern that UEFA has no idea what to do next. The Onion Bag found UEFA chief Lennart Johansen whimpering in a cupboard, crumpled in the foetal position, crying. "Sod off, you can't have anymore paperclips!" he babbled. "And no, I've no idea what's going to happen next! It'll probably sort itself out." Trawling the extensive UEFA rule book, the Onion Bag today discovered the following - Section III, clause a(ii): "In the event of everything getting confusing, matches shall be rigged to ensure the most high profile side or sides be guaranteed passage to the subsequent stage."

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Also in Issue 51