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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly
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Kit designers use their loaf

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 343 - 16 May 2011
West Ham: Toast

West Ham: Toast

Paddington: Fan

Paddington: Fan

Onions: Deterrent

Onions: Deterrent

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New bread kits not just for the upper crust

West Ham today raised a few eyebrows when they launched their new home kit for the 2011/12 season, a kit which is made entirely out of toast.

Using a revolutionary new technology called 'CrustWeave', the new shirt allows sweat to be absorbed from the body while at the same time providing a salty snack substance that can be dipped into runny boiled eggs. Hovurtons, the makers of the new kit, claim the new design has a wide range of versatile features that will appeal to clubs and players around the world.

Dough!

Chief among the new features is the ability for players to make minor customisations to their outfit with the use of toppings such as Marmite, peanut butter and marmalade. FIFA regulations currently prevent the wide spread use of individual changes to a player's kit, however a team can "daub a small amount of an approved edible foodstuff onto their apparel as long as it's done in a reasonable way that doesn't ridicule themselves or the sport in general."

Also on show at the launch was West Ham's new away kit, an innovative creation resplendent in dark brown wholemeal with baked bean highlights on the sleeves and shorts. A statement from the club said: "West Ham aim to lead the way in the field of edible football kits and we hope our toast creation will provide a few crumbs of comfort to our disappointed fans this season, a-ha ha, a-ha ha..."

Sausage

West Ham are not the first club to manufacture an eatable kit. In Autumn 2009, Bundesliga side Bayern Munich created a team strip made entirely out of bratwurst, but the sausage-based creation lasted only a week as players were mocked by their Borussia Dortmund counterparts who were wearing a looser-fitting (if stylistically disastrous) sauerkraut ensemble.

Haw-hee-haw

More recently, Paris Saint-Germain's 'onion and camembert' kit proved more of a success when opposition players refrained from making tackles on account of the overpowering smell. French FA officials, however, quickly acted by applying a quota to the maximum number of smelly ingredients allowed that could potentially devalue their national game.

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Also in Issue 343