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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly
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Welcome to Blattersville

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 339 - 31 Dec 2010
Sepp Blatter

Sepp: The state we're in

Class A substance abuse

The Beautiful Game

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Sepp in a state over his own nation

FIFA President Sepp Blatter announced today that Football's governing body is inviting nation states to surrender their territory and allow FIFA its own land mass. Our man Larry Gak was at FIFA HQ for the press announcement

The conference centre at FIFA is always a nervous venue. Despite the lavish surroundings and general opulence there never seems to be enough official biscuits. Earlier today, a journalist from L'Equipe was arrested for attempting to smuggle a box of unlicensed snacks into the building.

Inevitably, the wait for President Blatter becomes part of the story itself. The man's capacity for prevarication is boundless. A former PA to Blatter once revealed that he chooses which ties to wear after a long drawn out selection process with him, Blatter, announcing the winner in front of a disinterested mirror.

Stuffed envelopes

Eventually, he arrives to the usual fanfare of trumpets blown by a dozen ten year old boys in white virginal tunics. Everyone in the room had been briefed beforehand by FIFA's PR oompa loompas but it didn't detract from the magnitude of the uncharacteristically brief announcement.

"The FIFA wishes to invite all the nations of the World to offer to host our very own sovereign state of which we will have absolute dominion over."

The proposal is staggering. Countries are invited to give all or part of their own country to FIFA who will have it's own tax raising and avoidance powers, foreign and social policy plus armed forces.

The "successful" nation will receive senior bidding status for negotiating World Cup contracts and free FA Cup Final tickets.

Please stand

"FIFA has it's own government, system of governance, centralised economy. It even has its own anthem. Why shouldn't it have it's own land mass to call home." Blatter elucidated to a dumbfounded press corps.

According to the tender criteria, the new land mass must have at least 70% coastline, a generous reserve of natural gas and a compliant population willing to be ruled along FIFA's political system of one party rule while adopting the controversial "Brown Envelope" economic theory developed by a right wing student society in Eton College.

That's why they go there

Early betting suggests that Iceland is the favorite to secure the bid.

Immediately, the questions rain in.

"What if the people living there don't accept you?"

"Why would they not? FIFA is a benevolent leader. But for those who wish to leave, we will offer generous resettlement packages in Congo, Afghanistan or Croydon."

"What about your social policy? Are you committed to equal rights for women and homosexuals."

"So long as women and gays refrain from sexual activities, yes."

"And what about immigration?"

"Football is a global game. Everyone is welcome in the land of FIFA. Especially players who are welcome to take advantage of out non domicile tax arrangements."

Sources close to Blatter believe that the renewed impetus to form its own state is less to do with the government of Switzerland's (FIFA's current HQ) recent pledge to extend its anti-corruption laws to sporting institution and is more about commissioning a gold, jewel encrusted crown imperial crown for Blatter to wear at football matches.

Otisburg?

The working title of the new nation states is "Fifaco" in homage to the French city state Monaco. However, the name will be renamed as FIFAR should a proposed sponsorship tie up with a Doha based charitable concern go through as expected. The capital city of will be named Blatterville.

In other news, South African Based gold mining and diamond broker Imperial Crowns Conglomerates have announced his excellency the Emperor Joseph Blatter as their latest board member.

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Also in Issue 339