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Issue 345
23 October 2011
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Roo-besity

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 337 - 23 Oct 2010
Wayne Rooney

Rooney: Gorgeing

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United ace faces up to his cash binging

Wayne Rooney has admitted that he is suffering from Wallet Obesity.

The revelation came on the eve of the launch of a new campaign, of which Rooney is an official ambassador, by a new international charity dedicated to fighting this devastating condition.

Big boned

In partnership with Wedged, a charity founded by prominent bankers, philanthropic financial experts Rooney hopes to help raise awareness of a condition that ruins lives and destroys families.

Dr Julius Limbani of the Department of Cash Withdrawal at the University of Croydon explained the symptoms of Wallet Obesity "Fat wallets cause jealously and resentment and can be a gateway to gambling and prostitution."

"They also lead to social problems such as enlarged ego, misplaced sense of importance and other conditions within the Arsehole group of behaviour patterns."

In order to help others come to terms with their own problems, one of Rooney's very own people, revealed that the Manchester United and England star suffers from the condition. "Only last week Wayne very nearly lost his job because of his cash gorgeing. His wallet is now twice as fat as it was last week and it could take years before he takes any of it off."

Self Help

Ernesto Cockgroupier, CEO of Wedged, welcomed Rooney's confession and hopes that, by following his example, others will step forward and acknowledged their own problem.

"Wayne's courage is an inspiration to us all." he said. "We believe that Wallet obesity is the scourge of Broken Britain and welcome the Government's intervention last week by sacking half million a people."

There is, however, so much more to do says Cockgroupier which is why Wedged is teaming up with the Premier League for its new campaign "Fifty Quid Lighter".

Give generously

"We urge all Premier League football fans to go to their clubs and hand over as much money as possible. It will feel strange at first but they'll soon get used to it."

Critics have argued that the campaign is poorly timed as it coincided with the United Against Hunger campaign but Cockgroupier remains unrepentant.

"We need to deal with the problem of Wallet Obesity now! All proceeds will be put to use immediately in our new treatment centres, for acute sufferers, in Zurich and the Cayman Islands. There the excess money will be removed and disposed of responsibly."

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Also in Issue 337