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Issue 345
23 October 2011
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Naming Conventions

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 323 - 9 Nov 2009
Football shirt

For hire

Kai Winn

Kai Wayne Rooney

Cheryl Cole

Cheryl Cole: Must stay at least 100 yards away from

Players to flog names for wonga

With football stadiums falling over themselves flogging the names to the highest bidder, players will be next to cash in by changing their names to a corporate brands for huge sums of money.

Now that Premier League clubs are haemorrhaging cash, they have decided reluctantly to break with tradition and sell their long standing stadium names off the the highest bidder. Or more accurately, they have waited for one of them to take the first step before following their example.

Should 5% appear too small

While the cash injection from the sale will be substantial, it will still not be enough for clubs to continue to pay top player's wages in the conventional manner - that is to pay their tax bill as well. So players are in the market themselves to have their names changed for advertising purposes.

"This represents a step forward in the realisation of professional football's true worth," said top money expert Ernesto Cockgroupier on his 24 Hour satellite channel Discount Hoarding Eejits Dot TV. "Player will still keep their original name but their first and surname's will be separated by a company name. For instance "Steven Gerrard could be known as Steven 'Discount Hoarding Eejits Dot TV' Gerrard. Come to think of it we could probably only afford Dean Windass... is he still playing?"

Because you're worth it

In the future the terraces could be chanting the names of footballing legends such as Fernando 'L'oreal' Torres, Wayne 'Red Bull' Rooney, Didier 'Pampers' Drogba and John 'Coke' Terry.

The idea was inspired by Wayne Rooney who recently chose to advertise the forthcoming Star Trek DVD release by naming his son after a character from Deep Space Nine. It is believed that companies are queueing up to acquire the naming rights for Ashely and Cheryl Cole's baby should she ever let the Chelsea player near her again.

£1 per letter

Not everyone is in favour of the plan however. Community activist Les Dyke is furious: "It's an outrage," he said. "Has no one considered the cost to the supporters? How much do you think Jan 'China Construction Bank' Vennegoor of Hesselink is going to cost to have put on the back of a shirt?"

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Also in Issue 323