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Issue 345
23 October 2011
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Hornblowers

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 303 - 22 Jun 2009
Vuvuzela

England Brass Band (artist's impression)

The Swarm

Graphical representation of a Vuvuzela as heard through a crap TV speaker.

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England band get the horn

The England Supporters Band are set to trade in their trumpets in favour of the South African Vuvuzela horns ahead of the World Cup next year.

Filmic quality

The air horns, with their unique and distinctive buzz, have been the hallmark of the Confederations Cup in South Africa. Inside the stadia the rhythmic hum generates an amazing atmosphere. However, through a TV speaker several thousand miles away, it sounds more like a scene from atrocious Michael Caine killer bee film, The Swarm.

No strangers to irritating cacophony. The brass band have spent years trotting out the same tunes time after time at England matches, infuriating non-tone deaf supporters and the Estate of Elmer Bernstein in equal measure.

Cooler

Now the band plan to expand their range by adopting the Vuvuzela at Wembley. They intend to play the same old favourites such as "The Great Escape", "Come On England" and "England 'Till I Die". Critics are concerned that the new horn lacks the depth of a brass band and are concerned that the resultant noise will be a tuneless repetitive drone. Fans of the band remain confident that it won't make much of a difference.

Broadcasters on the other hand are set to intervene and try to stop the din in its tracks. The BBC have received a barrage of calls from angry viewers of the Confederations Cup complaining about the noise. Nik Dogbolter, a spokesman for the TV pressure group, the League Of Intolerant Viewers, believes that the horns will ruin the World Cup in 2010. "I didn't pay my license fee to listen to that racket." he told the Onion Bag's intrepid reporter Larry Gak. "Surely the BBC can turn up the noise reducers or summit. First Ross and Brand, now this."

Other annoying air horns are available

FIFA are keen to keep the Vuvuzelas believing that they encapsulate the spirit of South African football culture. Meanwhile, the horns' official trademark holders and their commercial partners (of which FIFA may or may not be one) are said to be delighted with all the free publicity.

The Band themselves were unavailable for comment. They were too busy ligging around outside the offices of tabloid newspapers and daytime TV studios.

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Also in Issue 303