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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly
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Fight Club

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 298 - 18 May 2009
Jamie Caragher

Now I want a good clean fight

Primer League players duking it out (artist's impression)

Baying bloodthirsty mob

Baying crowd

Illegal Footballer Fighting ring exposed

In yet another exclusive, the Onion Bag can reveal an underground ring of bare knuckle footballer fighting.

Players fight for money and sport in an illegal acitivty worth hundreds of thousands of Euros, sometimes in secret location but othertimes in plain sight in front of worldwide TV audiences.

All thumbs

Our intrepid reporter Larry Gak uncovered the ring after minutes of rummaging around the dust bins of top Premier League players. There, he found notes with dates and venues for fight nights scrawled in barely legible writing using atrocious English so as to mask the true meaning of the messages.

Acting on this information our man bribed his way passed Security at the PFA Awards ceremony and made his way to the basement. He witnessed top class footballers from all over England stripped to the waste and toe-to-toe in vicious hand-to-hand combat.

Order order

The arena was packed out with a baying bloodthirsty mob, made up of the great and the good all placing side bets. The worst of them were MPs who handed over huge briefcases of cash clearly marked "Tax payers money. Please return to HMRC before leaving".

For legal reasons, we cannot name all the players however, we can confirm that Joey Barton provided the warm up by fighting a starved pit bull which had to be destroyed after its ear had been bitten off.

Some fighters take thrill seeking to newer heights by duking it out live on TV!.

Never seen it myself

Gak tracked down one of the fighters to his club's boot room and confronted him with the truth. For his own protection we have called him Jamie C and he seemed happy to talk about it.

"The first rule of our fight club is you do not talk about our fight club. The second rule of our fight club is you DO NOT... wait that's the same as the first rule. How can you you have two rules that are the same..? Hey Stevie. Why are the first two rules the same..? Stevie..! I think he's gone out... Stevie! Yep... nope... he's definitely gone... STEVIE!"

Our man Gak let himself out after twenty minutes.

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Also in Issue 298