The Onion Bag: Occasionally humorous football satire
"Football satire at its finest" msn.com
"Cruel, heartless b*st*rds" Fox Sports
"Will have you laughing like a drain" itv.com
Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly
GET THE WEEKLY EMAIL

Fergie Flogs Euro Spot

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 287 - 3 Mar 2009
Europa League

Europa League: For sale

Micah Richards

Richards: Bargaining chip

Sir Fred Goodwin

Sir Fred Goodwin: Fit and proper person

Reds put Europa League place up for sale

Manchester United have put their Europa League qualification spot up for sale.

Having earned the place in Manchester United Europe's second string competition after winning the Carling Cup, United are so confident that they will not need it, they have decided to flog it instead.

Europa Endlos

The Europa League is the new name for the UEFA Cup. It has been re-branded to become more relevant to Kraftwerk fans and restructured to make it slightly harder to fathom. UEFA hope that by shrouding the competition's format in mystery, fans will simply accept it for what it is, sit back and enjoy the important messages from the tournament's generous sponsors.

Scapegoat League

While many have slated the competition believing it to be of little importance, qualification remains a high priority for club managers. 'It provides an important yardstick of achievement for coaches at the end of the season' said Dr Julius Limbani, Head Of Woolly Thought at Croydon University. 'It also serves as an excellent blaming tool for poor league performances in February when coaches are trying to avoid the sack.'

Back door entry

UEFA officials are checking the rulebook but can find nothing to stop United from selling their qualification place. The reason for the loophole is down to the words 'non transferable' being omitted from the Europa League official entry cards. Clubs from all over the globe are bidding in the belief that they will be allowed to play despite being non-European. One club from Abu Dhabi have offered United £100 million plus Micah Richards for a place in Europe.

Keep football evil

Consequently, there is genuine prospect of a non-English team using an English place in Europe next season. The Premier Leagu e team have no objections to this so long as the recipient complies with their Fit And Proper Person guidelines used for determining suitable club owners. Ebbsfleet United, Haringey Social Services Sports and Social Club and a Fred Goodwin XI have all thrown their hats into the ring.

Copyright © 2003 - 2020 The Onion Bag

Also in Issue 287