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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly
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Social workers blamed for Roy Exit

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 276 - 8 Dec 2008
Roy Keane

Keane: Warning signs ignored

Roy Keane

Keane: Happier times

Jeremy Kyle

'My man loves his dog more... I want a DNA test'

Keano calamity caused by carers

Sunderland Social Services are under fire today as they are accused of being responsible for Roy Keane's resignation from the local football club.

A damning Government report stated that social workers had 'ignored clear warning signs' that the Sunderland manager was unstable and capable of walking out from any situation with hardly any warning.

Egyptian fish

Club officials were said to be 'complete denial' regarding the prospect of their coach walking out. It was only when the new owner, a large Texican by the name of Brad, expressed concern over Keane's mental state and faculties.

The report also reveals that Keane has been visited by various Social Services from Manchester and Nottingham throughout his life but Sunderland services did not take into account previous reports when recommending that Keane stay on as coach.

Stick it up your bollocks

Roy Keane was a victim of abuse as a younger man when he was assaulted by his old coach and mentor Brian Clough. Later, in life, Keane himself became abuser when he deliberately broke Alfe Inge Haaland's leg while playing football. Keane has is also known to have persistent problems with authority figures such as referees, international managers and Sky Sports pundits.

Head of Sunderland Social Services Les Dyke has accepted responsibility for 'Keanegate'. "As a public servant for over 30 years I am devastated to have presided to such a procedural failure and have placed myself on suspension for six months." he told the Onion Bag's intrepid reporter Larry Gak "I'd put myself on half pay but my kids have just started university. Why should they suffer for my mistakes?"

Trigger happy

By walking out on his club, Keane has abandoned his extended family of coaches players and tens of thousands of supporters who must now face the Premier league alone. Keane's future is uncertain but the Onion Bag believes that he is the subject of interest from both the Jeremy Kyle and Trisha Goddard shows.

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Also in Issue 276