The Onion Bag: Occasionally humorous football satire
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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly
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Ron-ball

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 275 - 1 Dec 2008
Cristiano Ronaldo

Text book line-out

Cristiano Ronaldo, Howard Webb

Rule 24: Always show appreciation to the referee

Ballon D'Or

Ballon D'Or: Photo opportunity

Ronaldo is new Webb-Ellis

Cristiano Ronaldo has threatened to split the world of football apart again with his new game Ron-ball.

Heard a whistle

The Portuguese winger launched his new version of the game at the Manchester derby this weekend, when instead of simply heading an unmarked cross into the goal he caught it - thus inventing RON-BALL

Or maybe I was pushed

Ronaldo's revolutionary new move has brought back memories of William Webb-Ellis, who whilst attending Rugby school cheated his way to victory by making rules up on the spot and invented a version of football that posh people could enjoy.

"Association football holds no challenge for me now," explained the visionary midfielder. "I'm taking the game into the 21st century." A long line of sponsors are already queueing up to get a piece of his flappy-catchy version of the game.

Not the face

Several critics have cruelly said that Ronaldo was merely worried his pretty face might get a bit messed up by the fizzing cross - just a day before he'd be at his swanky Ballon D'Or presentation.

In an attempt to defuse the situation Sir Alex Ferguson defended his young superstar: "It's frustrating, as managers all we want to see is consistency in referee decision making: it seems these days if you play within the rules you generally don't get booked, but if you start to break the rules you get sent off - where's the consistency there?"

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Also in Issue 275