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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly
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OUTRAGE AS RIO GETS EIGHT MONTH HOLIDAY

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 27 - 22 Dec 2003
Rio Ferdinand

Ferdinand: Contemplating eight months off on full pay

Christian Negouai

Christian Negouai: Two wrongs don't make a right

Gordon Taylor

Taylor: Nice glasses

Call that a punishment? Says FIFA Chief

World football supremo Sepp Blatter joined the increasingly tedious clamor of self righteous indignation by condemning the three man independent commissions decision to "punish" Manchester United and England defender Rio Ferdinand by giving him an eight month holiday.

"I was concerned that the English dogs would be soft on Ferdinand but I did nor realize just how soft." Said Blatter to The Onion Bag "I didn't think they'd give him the rest of the season off!! How are we expected to prove to the sporting world that football is serious about drug testing when, rather than punishing him for not showing up for a dope test, he gets time off for nearly a year!!"

Wapping

Ferdinand's employers Manchester United stated their unhappiness at the decision and how they intended to appeal. "We are deeply disappointed at the savagery of the decision taken this evening." Announced club director and solicitor Maurice Watkins "We intend to appeal against this decision. We fail to see why we should continue to pay Rio's whopping salary while he's swanning off to The Algarve doing media work during the European Championships."

Man U's failure to reduce the punishment was due to there inability to site precedent. Apparently some Man City reserve team player (whose name no one can remember) also forgot to turn up for a dope test and got away with a tap on the wrist and a couple of grand fine for an offense that in most other sports would have resulted in a two year ban. Solicitors for Ferdinand couldn't seem to convince the Commission to the best way to deal with this case was to compound one failure to sufficiently punish a player with another.

Draconian

Player Union kingpin Gordon Taylor told The Onion Bag "This is a draconian decision. It's not like he's done anything wrong!"

When we suggested that if he were played in any other sport he would have come off a lot worse, Taylor looked blank and said..."I don't think you fully understand the complexities of... oh look, your fly is undone."

And with that he was gone.

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Also in Issue 27