The Onion Bag: Occasionally humorous football satire
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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly
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Piss Taker

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 262 - 1 Sep 2008
Mike Ashley

Ashley: Down in one

Joey Barton

"And I thought I was bad"

Mike Ashley

Staying sharp to the bottom of the glass

Ashley can't keep off the yellow

Newcastle owner Mike Ashley has admitted to drinking his own urine.

Lips smacking thirst quenching

Ashley was seen downing what looked to be a pint of lager last Saturday while watching his team get thrashed by Arsenal at the Emirates. However, since drinking alcohol at football matches is forbidden, club officials were forced to confess to Ashley's piss drinking habit in case he got in trouble for boozing.

ace tasting, motivating

"Mike Ashley has been imbibing on his own liquid waste for some months now" said club PR executive Ernesto Cockgroupier "He can't get enough of it." It seems that Ashley's urinal obsession began on a flight to Spain last summer when he was caught short on the plane but couldn't get out of his seat.

good buzzing, cooltalking

"Mike likes to sit with common people so he sat in Economy" said a close friend "Apparently he couldn't get passed this old woman who was asleep next to him. He was so desperate for a slash that he relieved himself in to a spare empty glass he just happened to have lying around. After that he got a bit thirsty and... well you can work the rest out yourself."

"The old lady ended up wetting herself while she slept and Mike helped clean her up. That's the kind of guy he is."

high walking, fast living

TV cameras caught Ashley drinking from a pint glass at the Emirates. He had arrived before kick off and handed the hospitality staff a large flask asking that he be regularly refilled. Stadium staff revealed later that he ran out of his own juice at half time. So instead they served him up with a drop of the local brew.

ever giving, cool fizzing...

The adopted Geordie is said to be embarrassed that his efflusive addiction has been exposed and is to check in to the Julius Limbani Clinic for Vomit Munchers and Other Disorders in West Croydon. "It is vital that we arrest this waste consumption before it gets out of hand" said Dr Limbani "Drinking piss is a common gateway to eating shit. He certainly watches enough of it. He must be curious..."

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Also in Issue 262