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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly
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Fergie's sponsored hush

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 257 - 28 Jul 2008
Sir Alex Ferguson

Ignore me. I dare you.

Michael Essien

You're old and you smell of piss

Naked fun runs

Naked fun runs: Must stay at least 100 yards away from

Hacks blank Utd boss for charity

The entire English football media have agreed to ignore Alex Ferguson for an entire week in aid of charity. The sponsored ignore is expected to raise over 50p for good causes as hacks will not pay any attention to what the Manchester United boss says for a whole week.

Bitch soccer

With any sort of football news at a premium, the media are desperate for any sort of quote to satisfy the rapacious thirst of media savvy football fans. This is a service that Ferguson happily supplies with his insightful and cutting psychological attacks on his opponents. Classic examples in the past have been "Newcastle may bottle it", "Leeds may bottle it" and "Arsenal may bottle it". Genius.

Last week, Sir Alex caused jubilation among the press corps by saying something barely interesting about the average age of the Chelsea squad. The resultant 500,000 words generated proved sufficient football methadone along with the usual smattering of pointless pre-season and Intertoto Cup matches.

Bundezzzzzzliga

But from today, journos will have to look elsewhere for their padding as they turn their backs on the dour Scotsman for a whole week. "It won't be easy," said the Onion Bag's intrepid reporter Larry Gak. "There are two weeks 'till the season starts and there is only so much you can say about Bundesliga TV contracts and the All Ireland Premier League without falling asleep."

Football agents have been asked to fill the oncoming void by making up even more stories about non-existent transfers. "I know for a fact that Gareth Barry will definitely leave Villa" said Ernesto Cockgroupier, Birmingham estate agent. "That is assuming he can get an offer on his house. Thank you credit crunch."

Sponsored by Sky Bet

To test journalist's resolve, Fergie plans a series of publicity stunts. These include a naked fun run, opening his personal accounts for public scrutiny, agreeing to speak to the BBC and putting Cristiano Ronaldo on the transfer list. Sky Sports News are the bookies favourite to crack first.

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Also in Issue 257