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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly
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CONSORTIUM OF THE DAMNED TO TAKE OVER AT LEEDS

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 25 - 8 Dec 2003

Dead

Voodoo?

Young: Bad photo

Premiership poor boys Leeds United may have kept the wolves from the door until January next year but what happens after that is anyone's guess. Except The Onion Bag's, for we've discovered the startling and terrifying future for the Elland Road club.

Sheik Abdulrahman bin Mubarak Al-Khalifa may barely sound like Osama bin Laden but that was good enough for our reporter Larry Gak to get the wrong end of the stick completely and fabricate yet another exclusive. Why do we keep paying him?

Dirty Dozen

According to Gak, bin Laden has assembled a consortium of the damned that will buy the frankly buggered club next year. The wanted terrorist leader has called in favours from a dozen of the most evil men in the world to help finance the takeover.

The Evil that Men do

The new board at Elland Road will include bin Laden himself in the comfiest chair, as well as Lord Lucan, Darth Vader, former Man City fan Eddie Large, and Willie Young, the vile Arsenal defender who mercilessly chopped down West Ham's young Paul Allen when through on goal in the 1980 FA Cup final. Sadly, the incident warped little Paul, who was just 12 at the time, and he grew up to be as vicious a thug as Young ever was on a football field.

Ten to Midnight

The sinister skullduggery doesn't stop there. In an effort to find a manager actually interested in motivating Leeds' workshy, shitty players, bin Laden has ordered that Elland Road hero Billy Bremner be appointed manager. Bremner, who died in 1997, has been dead for six years, but that hasn't deterred the new board, who carried out a VOODOO ceremony at 2350hrs last night in an effort to resurrect the rotting ex-player. We asked actor Geoffrey Holder, who played voodoo priest Baron Samedi in the James Bond film Live and Let Die if he'd been approached to carry out the spooky, black magic ritual. Holder said, "I'm just an actor and I played that part 30 years ago. Now go away, please, or I'll put a spell on you..."

Death Wish

Kevin Keegan, who famously had a slugging match with Bremner during the 1974 Charity Shield match where both of the little fellas took off their shirts and slapped each other around like girlies, spoke to us about the possible resurrection: "I tell you what, I'd love it!" he yelled, getting rather agitated. "I'd love another chance to smack that f*&%^! jock pansy up again..." at which point The Onion Bag made its excuses and left.

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Also in Issue 25