The Onion Bag: Occasionally humorous football satire
"Football satire at its finest" msn.com
"Cruel, heartless b*st*rds" Fox Sports
"Will have you laughing like a drain" itv.com
Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly
GET THE WEEKLY EMAIL

Spanked!

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 243 - 21 Apr 2008
McShreffrey

Villa Park: second-half action

Er?

Carrott: stick

dig it

Minor: spelling problems

Cops investigate sordid S&M sessions involving Birmingham City

Birmingham City Football Club was at the centre of another police investigation last night following allegations that the club was involved in humiliating and degrading S&M acts in front of minors.

Stop word

Two forty-five minute sick spanking sessions involving Birmingham players were witnessed by thousands of under age kiddies at Aston Villa's ground last Sunday where the Blues were thrashed 5-1 by their fierce rivals.

Blues players repeatedly took punishment, going back for more and more, debasing themselves again and again. A spokesman for the police told the Onion Bag, "We can't tolerate this kind of activity in public. What these men did to themselves is indecent and offensive. We are investigating."

Stop and search

This latest investigation follows on the heels of another police enquiry where Birmingham denied corruption claims.

Stop making sense

Spectators were shocked at the display. Villa fan Frank Pike said, "Birmingham were a disgrace. I was there with my boy. He's only ten. He shouldn't have to see things like that. Meanwhile, celebrity Blues fan Jasper Carrott was flabbergasted: "It was like they were enjoying the pain. I blame our bongo-mad bosses."

Rumours have already began circling that the shocking display was deliberate and part of a 90-minute humiliation video to boost the club's coffers with relegation looking likely for the midlands outfit.

Psycho Killer

We sidled up to Steve Bruce in a Soho sex shop and asked if he would be interested in watching a tape of the match. "Urrgghh. Yeah. Cor, yeah. Punishment you say? They deserve it. They were asking for it. They're all asking for it," he salivated.

In a separate investigation, Villa boss Martin O'Neill has denied being the ringleader of a sick BDSM group, intent on obtaining gratification through domination, humiliation and submission.

Copyright © 2003 - 2020 The Onion Bag

Also in Issue 243