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Issue 345
23 October 2011
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Schoolboys in disgrace

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 223 - 26 Nov 2007
Kids

Kids: It's all their fault

Atari console

Playstation 64: It's all your fault

Brian Barwick

Well it's not my fault. Oh wait yes it is.

The kids are not alright says Gov

Children will be forced to play football for 14 hours a day under new Government rules or face internment.

Since England's failure to qualify for Euro 2008, the nation has turned to its young and decided that they are the reason why they fail.

Play makes us free

Under the new guidelines, all boys over the age of six will be issued with a plastic football and forced to go outside for a kick-about. Under the Unnecessary Powers Act 2007, children refusing to cooperate will be interned in the new FA Centre of Sporting Re-education and made to kick concrete balls as a punishment. "Kids today are too fat and lazy," said Government spokesman Ernesto Cockgroupier. "They are too busy with their Nintento Wes and Playstation 64s. What they need is rigorous exercises and practice, practice, practice."

Funny name for a fella

Expert commentators blame children for the shortcomings of adult footballers. "When I was a lad I used used to play football until two o' clock in the morning," says sports footwear designer and coaching expert Shelia Goodbloke. "Back then we didn't have the distraction that kids have today. I recently conducted a thorough audit proving conclusively that English kids have fatter arses than their counterparts in Spain, Italy, France and Brazil. I showed these results to the FA and all I got was my license to coach minors revoked. That's gratitude for you."

Fear of Crime

Parents are said to be furious at the new rule. Shirley Frampton, mother of two from Richmond, West London refuses to cooperate. "My boy will not be forced to play in the streets like commoners. If necessary I'll lock him up in my 4x4 and run down anybody who tries to get near him". Hamble Liteweight from Paulsgrove was also defiant. "I ain't 'avin' my kids outside playin' football till all hours when there's peedos and perverts and navy recruiters out and about. They get enough abuse from their old man."

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Also in Issue 223