The Onion Bag: Occasionally humorous football satire
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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly
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cigarette card burns

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 202 - 3 Jul 2007
Stanley Matthews

Matthews: Gruff notherner

Book burners

Non-smokers: Self righteous

118 118

118 118: Fucking useless

Soccer fag cards thrown on the fire

Angry mobs of non-smokers, drunk on power, are running riot in England's streets as they raid homes and shops looking for football cigarette cards to burn.

In the old days, cigarette companies used to offer free collectable cards in fag packets that would help establish brand loyalty. Cards of well known footballers, such as Stanley Matthews, Tom Finney and other gruff northerners of the day, were especially popular among younger smokers.

Ogdens Nut Gone Flake

In England, a smoking ban is now in force. To celebrate, hordes of self righteous non smokers have been looting collectors shops and breaking into the homes of the old, geeky and anyone likely to have a dented tin of stuff that smells a bit like their granddad. Any cigarette cards found are hurled on a big pile in the street and burnt. The ring leader of this mob of clean-lunged fanatics is anti-smoking activist Les Dyke. "Tobacco's reign of terror is over." she told the Onion Bag's intrepid reporter Larry Gak "Any evidence of this foul weed must be extinguished for good."

Got your number

Our man Gak tried to contact the London Cigarette Card Collection Agency for a comment. Unfortunately 118 188 put him though to the London Credit Card Collection Agency instead. Consequently Gak was forced to declare himself bankrupt, take out a high interest loan and surrender the keys to his luxury West Croydon bed-sit to some heavies.

When we asked a member of the pro-smoking lobby to comment he got angry with us for ringing him. He said it was an infringement on his human rights and popped outside for a fag to calm down.

Requires willpower

With the Police too busy looking nervously under every car in Britain to help it seems nothing can stop the burnings. "With each card reduced to a cinder we come closer to a smoke free world." says Dyke. "No longer will us ex-smokers be tortured by constant reminders of the precious weed. Every day I imagine that foul yet sweet smoke rolling down my throat. I still reach for my fags on my bed-side table each morning before realising I quit over two years ago. You couldn't spare a rollie could you?"

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Also in Issue 202