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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly
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Go commando

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 187 - 19 Mar 2007
Commando

This is my weak arm

Brian Mawhinney

Mawhinney: Loves a good shoot-out

Pat Jennings

Pat Jennings: Running down the leg

The Bag says drop your draws now

The Onion Bag has joined the Football League's campaign to drop its draws. League Chief Executive Brian Mawhinney suggested the idea last week: "Draws can be so dull and unflattering. I say we all drop them right now."

Climax

But what alternatives are there? Mawhinney believes he has the answer. "When we got bored playing sports at school we would frequently drop our draws and have a shoot-out instead," said the ex-Tory minister. "It brings about a natural climax and guarantees a result... albeit an unsatisfying one."

Skid mark

The Onion Bag has been canvassing opinion up and down the Football League. Jimmy Twat from Birmingham had just witnessed a tedious 1-1 draw against local rivals West Brom. "I'd be happy to see draws dropped for good," he told our intrepid reporter Larry Gak. "They are starchy, unneccesary and they ride up your bum crack"

Crossing the line

We also found support for the idea from life long football supporter and local crazy woman Hambel Liteweight (67) who we discovered standing in the goalmouth of an abandoned football pitch in Waddon, south London with her draws around her ankles. "My name's Pat Jennings," she told us while piss trickled down her left leg.

and you know you are

The Onion Bag calls upon all right thinking supporters to back this revolutionary new scheme by dropping their draws at full time next Saturday and enjoying a good shoot-out. Critics may think you are a load of wankers but hey... you knew that anyway.

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Also in Issue 187