The Onion Bag: Occasionally humorous football satire
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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly
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Be a premier league player for a night

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 172 - 27 Nov 2006
The Usual Suspects

What a line-up

Stretch Ambulance

Stretch Ambulance: Classy

Strangler

Meet lots of interesting people

Join Craig, Wayne and Anton on an evening you�ll never forget

The Onion Bag is offering its lucky reader a once in a life time chance to go out on the lash with three top Premier League stars.

That's right - three top flight players will escort you and three of your mates to some of the most exclusive night spots in London.

Flowers and lots of hours

A stretch limo will pick you all up and take you to the fantastic Pussy Cat Club in London's fabulous Soho. There, you will be greeted by Premier League hot-shot Craig Bellamy who will grab you all by the throat and drag you to the upstairs gallery. Once there you'll have your choice of finest champagne or export strength lager and dance the night away with your choice of some of the loveliest Balkan lap dancers that fifty quid can buy.

Hungry hungry hippos

Craig and his friends will deposit you back into the street and then it's on to the World famous Hippodrome where Anton Ferdinand and his all-star chums are waiting to take care of you. There you will get exclusive access at the underground bare knuckle boxing ring. You'll be wiping the blood off your face before you know it.

It's late in the evening

This magical evening will be rounded off with a quiet meal with soccer legend Wayne Rooney. By the time he's finished with you, a luxury stretch ambulance will be waiting outside to take you wherever you want to go (we recommend Charing Cross Hospital).

To enter, simply complete the following statement in 25 words or less: "Mr Bellamy was with me in the club all evening, your honour... "

Game rules and procedures apply, no purchase necessary. Onion Bag employees and family thereof or anyone else covered by our medical insurance are ineligible to enter. Entrants must be over 18 and be possession of their own alibi and agent. You must be this tall to enter, if you've had a recent tit-job you may not want to go as you might pop your stitches - it has happened!

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Also in Issue 172