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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly
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Drewery duty

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 142 - 2 May 2006
Eileen Drewery

Drewery: Quack

Wayne Rooney

It can't get any worse

Emile Heskey

...oh yes, it can

Shock England recall for Eileen

The FA have resorted back to quackery in a desperate attempt to get Wayne Rooney on the plane for the World Cup. With just six weeks before kick off, the FA in a fit of blind panic, have recalled faith healer Eileen Drewery to try and mend the wonder kid's broken foot.

Doomed

Fans and media have all but given up any hope of England performing well in this summer's tournament when Rooney collapsed in agony in this weekend's Manchester United dead rubber against Chelsea.

X-rays later showed that Rooney had broken his metatarsal; an injury which like Hummers, country estates and tarty looking wives, has become de rigueur for any self-respecting England international.

Panic depression

Drewery shot to fame during the England reign of bonkers god-botherer Glenn Hoddle. So enchanted was he by the boufanted Svengali he cited his decision to leave her at home was the key factor in England's dismissal from France 98 - rather than a frankly hopeless Danish referee.

Never said them things

"I'm ready to lay my hands upon Wayne to cast out the evil spirits that have entered his foot", the menopausal guru told Onion Bag reporter Larry Gak. "Many people believe that injuries like this are down to bad luck or shoddily designed high-tech boots, but it's all down to badly aligned chakra and conflicts in your chi", she revealed by reading the entrails of a crow.

"It's all in my latest book You Wouldn't be an Ugly Twisted Freak of Nature if you Believed in Intelligent Design" (£16.99 from no booksellers, £1 from Bargain Books, Whitgift Centre, Croydon).

Kill me, Alan

Rooney has become England's key figure since he broke into the team, dislodging Emile Heskey from the number 9 shirt. Talking from his Midlands home, Heskey told us: "I'm ready for the call."

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Also in Issue 142