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Issue 345
23 October 2011
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Houllier: Souness Drowns Kittens

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 14 - 18 Sep 2003
American Bobtail

American Bobtail: Vital Nutrients

Graeme Souness

Souness: That's it push its head right down

Jack Douglas

Jack Douglas: Tenuous link

Liverpool Manager Gerard Houllier hit back at Blackburn Rovers manager Graeme Souness after having been hit back at because Houllier had previously hit back at him.

The Kop supremo shocked a disinterested press conference by declaring that the Souness drowned kittens as a hobby. This somewhat far fetched accusation came in the wake of the controversy surrounding Jamie Carragher's leg and Lucas Neill's Jack Douglas style tackling.

Boggles

"I have seen it with my own eyes" remarked the not under pressure Houllier. "He invited me and my family around to his home for a barbecue in August. We brought some fine French lamb and when we arrived Graeme and I shook hands and I offered him the lamb to which he looked at us both and laughed.

"He took me into his kitchen and said 'Look Gerard Think you've got the stomach for that you boggle eyed French jessie?.'

"I was shocked, stunned and very disappointed to find, hanging on meat hooks from the ceiling the petrified bodies of slightly damp kittens."

Houllier went on to say how appalled he was."It was an appalling sight. There were tabbies, ginger toms even a sweet little Persian in the corner all hung out to dry. He even showed me the pond at the bottom of his garden where he drowned the poor kitties. I have never seen such cruelty to one of gods creatures." Said the Frenchman.

Bobbles

"We left immediately. 'Graeme' I said 'If this is an attempt to gain a psychological advantage over me for the forthcoming match then you are sadly off the mark.' I then grabbed my wife's arm with one hand and unhooked a rather plump looking American Bob Tail with the other and left in disgust."

Souness was cool about the accusations:

"Anyone whose played at the highest level will know that the consumption of dead kittens during pre season provides valuable nutrients to get a player through a long hard season of kicking people up in the air. I can only assume that Gerard, who I believe was a rubbish footballer, is unaware of this."

However a spokesperson from the Animal Liberation Brigade took a different view:

"We are deeply concerned about these accusations of kitty abuse."She said.

"As a result, we have decided to go round Graeme Souness' house and burn it down."

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Also in Issue 14