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Issue 345
23 October 2011
Updated Weekly
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No bore jaw

OLD BAG: This is an archive story from Issue 132 - 20 Feb 2006
Cigarette warning

Warnings: Not enough

Barmaid

Barmaid: Not interested

Gary Lineker, Alan Hansen

Pundits: Not welcome

MPs vote for full ban on 'bloking' in pubs

Football fans up and down the country are having to come to terms with a soon to be imposed blanket ban on one of their favourite pastimes - talking about football in pubs.

Medical experts have repeatedly warned about the effects of "passive bloking" where anybody in the vicinity of someone spewing out second-hand punditry is in grave danger of being bored to tears.

Stubbed out

Former Health Minister, Dr John Reid, was opposed to a blanket ban — citing that the poor common folk who like football have very few pleasures in life, especially if they support a rubbish team. His successor however, Patricia Hewitt, along with Prime Minister Tony Blair and Chancellor Gordon Brown are voting against their own policy of a ban excluding private members clubs in favour of a total ban.

Ray Stubbs out

Intrepid Onion Bag reporter, Larry Gak, was sent to a local boozer to canvas opinion on the ban from ordinary punters. (Despite much protest and feigning ignorance as to what a pub actually was.)

Barmaid Tracey, 19, was delighted with the move. "It's makes my work a nightmare," she explained. "I haven't got a clue what they're going on about most of the time. They just drone on and on about people I've never heard of. It does make me worry about my mental health sometimes."

Unclean

"Well it's just another example of the nanny state isn't it", one disgruntled customer told us. "They banned it in our office, so if you want to chat about who should replace Sven you have to go outside and talk on the steps. Now I can't even do it down the pub. I feel like a social leper - i'll probably give up altogether."

Breweries have already made plans in case a lack of barstool punditry causes punters to stay away. A spokesperson for JD Wetherspoons said that extra copies of the Times Literary Supplement will be available in all bars after the ban comes into force.

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Also in Issue 132